Reasons We Can’t Have Children

Screw this “no one feels ready to have children” thing. Seriously. Apparently, people younger than us now have multiple children, and I have no idea how they’re doing it. First of all, we have enough trouble with the puppy. My god, what he can get into. He wants to follow us everywhere. He wants to be involved in every thing we do. We love him, but occasionally it gets excessive, like when it’s 2AM and we need sleep, so we do that thing where we shut him out of our bedroom at night.

Yeah, he doesn’t have thumbs. Kids do. They can open doorknobs.


Like that scene in Jurassic Park. They LEARN.

I don’t know how you fight that.

Also, let’s be honest: I usually can’t manage to put on matching socks. If you think it stops there, you’re living in a fantasy world. I not infrequently skip meals, or delay them by several hours because I’m working on something (always working, never on social media) (never). I swear. A lot. I drop things all the time. We barely get the laundry folded as it is, and when I say barely, I mean sometimes we don’t. I get my hair cut about once every year and a half because I forget to schedule appointments. I didn’t go to the dentist for ages. I don’t have my shit together enough to have a kid.

And we’re kind of keenly aware that we’re adding an effective sociopath to the mix. Small children don’t have empathy. They literally haven’t developed that part of their brains yet. And – AND this doesn’t even mean they act in their own self interest, either. They run out into traffic. They try to drink rubbing alcohol.

I don’t know how you fight that, either.

I mean, I get it. They’re also sweet and amazing and we’re going to love them more than life itself, and I’m not being sarcastic at all there, I’m really not. I’m just…taking it on faith that it’s worth it, like that time people told me high school wouldn’t last forever. That one turned out all right. We both want children. Some part of me even looks forward to running after them yelling things like, “Don’t try to pick up that hedgehog!” People might judge me less for having stains on my clothes, too, like that time we got married and people stopped expecting us to go out places and do things, which was a huge relief. I’m looking forward to reading them bedtime stories and watching them learn to speak and walk and ride bikes – though B is going to have to handle that last one, as I’m terrible with bikes. I’m genuinely looking forward to it.

It’s just scary as shit, that’s all.



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